In
this blog I want to find the balance- too often it is easy to simply focus on
the joys and idealism of being a parent alongside advice on how to be best
meeting your little ones needs so I wanted to acknowledge that parenting is not
all giggles and sunny days. There are times when we simply feel pushed to our
limits and might even feel resentful, angry and maybe a little hatefully
towards our little ones and find ourselves falling short of meeting our little
ones’ needs in the way all the books say we should.
I
think it can be easy to feel that having these emotions and not being in
control somehow means we are not the ‘perfect’ mum but striving to be the
perfect mum is not realistic or healthy. In fact I think there is more
value in being imperfect, or to refer to the well-used phrase of Donald Winnicott, an English paediatrician and psychoanalyst, to be a
‘good enough mum’. I think that it is important that we do sometimes fail
our children as this is part of their growing up and initiation into life.
I
am reminded of watching the film Shadowlands where they liken the pain that
comes with the joy of love to that of the shadows that are created by sunshine-
dark is part and parcel of light. Parenting can be magical and the love we feel
for our kids is often more than we can imagine but as I’ve said we can also
have equally intense feeling of anger, frustration or even hate, albeit
briefly. Winnicott is also famous for his 18 ‘reasons why mum hates baby’. If
we wanted to avoid there being these intense feelings, or the shadows, then
there would be no sunshine, no light, no love- it would just be grey- would we
really want such a bland, mute existence? What we can do is enjoy the light but
remember to respect the shadows and sometimes shine a torch into the shadows to
acknowledge what is there.
I
think the trick is to take ownership of these powerful feelings that can be
triggered, especially when we are tired and pushed to our limits and taken time
out to understand what it is triggering them rather than simply blindly acting
them out, which is when they become dangerous and destructive. It is of benefit
to all to stop to listen to what we are trying to tell ourselves and learn,
making changes where necessary and growing in ourselves. We can also extend
this learning process to include our little ones, by starting to teach our
children about these emotions, demonstrating to them how best to manage them
and bringing into the equation this other side of life. Also if it is them
pushing our boundaries we can communicate to them what is and is not acceptable
and what the consequences can be of their actions on another. We are ultimately
preparing them so they can survive and partake in the dance of life and what
better way to learn then with us in the safety of a loving, intimate
relationship.
What
I want to remember is that even though my daughter is the most precious thing
to me and many moments throughout the day my heart swells with love, there are
also times when she does push me to my absolute limits and rather than acting
out in these moments I need to accept and acknowledge that I will feel
angry/resentful/hurt, and that is okay- what is important is how I deal with
the situation. The really intimacy of my relationship with my daughter comes in
accepting the whole package- the lows, the highs, the dark, the light, the hate and ultimately the
love.
Below
some of Winnicott’s reasons a mum hates baby:
’After
an awful morning with him she goes out, and he smiles at a stranger, who says:
Isn’t he sweet?’
‘He
is ruthless, treats her as scum, an unpaid servant, a slave.’
‘He
tries to hurt her, periodically bites her, all in love’
‘He
is suspicious, refuses her good food, and makes her doubt herself, but eats
well with his aunt’
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