There has been a long pause in me posting a blog- all I can say is twins! I am hoping to start writing more but as well as giving information about carrying, I want to share the story behind the photos, to give voice to that which is not captured in the images. I have been experimenting with how to get my social posts more real, to not present a perfect, intimidating snap shot. I am finding this difficult though as not only in times of craziness is grabbing the camera the last thing on the agenda but my focus has been on the times I am carrying and these are usually the good times, the times that restore sanity and give me much needed reconnection- sometimes, but rarely, the sling is not the answer required and boy is that frustrating and definitely not a time for reaching for the camera or even for posting.
People have called me 'super mum' but I really need to make it clear I am not supermum. I am just a mum doing what she has to, as well as I can and simply getting through each moment as best as I can. I do not want to give the impression I am supermum. I am not trying to show off. I do want to share the virtues and the array of benefits of using baby carriers and slings and they do hugely make life easier around here. I love carrying and I would love others to benefit from all that carriers can offer but I want you all to know I have some pretty messy moments that I am very much not proud of.
I am not trying to show off but slings do enable me to get the essential basics accomplished- in this case dinner! The photo hides my unbrushed hair, my tiredness and clothes I've not changed for several days.
It is often commented that I seem so calm, relaxed, ever patient and capable as I handle my twin babies and my four year old daughter. Whilst this can be the case, it makes me laugh as my days are managed by what feels like the skin of my teeth. It is a continuous, precarious fine balance which often gets tipped upside down but this is usually in the privacy of my own home. These moments involve shouting and screaming, leaving babies to cry, more crying, losing my temper, wanting to run far away, hating my children, more crying, feeling I'm no good, not knowing what to do/how to get to the next moment, more crying, questioning my parenting choices and more crying. Luckily they always are quickly counteract by the heart melting grin of a baby, by some wise words from my eldest, by babies falling into peaceful sleep, by a reconnecting cuddle or by some wondrous creative play.
A reconnecting cuddle with my baby boy after a fall out over naps (or the lack of)
I always question myself why in that moment did I snap? Could I not just have breathed, taken a moment, 'minded the gap' instead of falling head on into it? How could these beautiful children have seemed so hateful five minutes ago?
But I am tired, the anxiety levels are too high (these get increased by the frustration of not be able to get to one upset baby because I'm dealing with the other or their older sister and so on) and they have needs and wants that often are in conflict with mine. My biggest let down is expecting too much of myself, feeling I 'should' be able to do it all because everyone else does. I am all too often comparing myself to the other 'supermums' on Facebook and wondering why I am falling so short of the mark. I so do not want to add to another mum's feeling of inadequacy- we need to be supporting one another, sharing the everyday slog of it all, the emotional challenges parenting brings, acknowledging the relentless, ongoing hard work of parenting whilst celebrating the equal and luckily more poignant 'perfect moments'.
So if there are pauses in my posts/blogs it is because I'm trying to accept my limitations and trust the words I wish to share will be there when the time is right. I am not supermum but an ordinary mum, making the most of each day as best I can, busy surviving as best I can, accepting some days ensuring everyone is fed is the best I can do and anything above that is a bonus and ultimately remembering that:
I'm so Blesssed